Seeking Someday
by CriesofCapricorn
Summary: R for swearing. After the Angel series finale. Having lost nearly everyone, Angel visits Buffy and unloads many secrets. Basically, it’s a depressed Angel and a majority of BuffyAngel.


**Notes: After the Angel series finale. Having lost nearly everyone, Angel visits Buffy and unloads many secrets. Basically, it's a depressed/angry Angel and a majority of Buffy/Angel. Songs Credited: "Someday" by Sugar Ray & "Standing At the Edge of the Earth" by Blessid Union of Souls. Please feel free to post reviews, whether they are complimentary or critical.**

_Someday, when my life has passed me by  
I'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me_

_  
One way, in the eyes of a passerby  
I'll look around for another try  
And'll fade away  
  
Just close your eyes and I'll take you there  
This place is warm and without a care  
We'll take a swim in the deep blue sea  
I go to leave but you reach for me_

_  
Some say, better things will come our way  
No matter what they try to say you were always there for me_

_  
Someway, when the sun begins to shine  
I hear a song from another time  
And'll fade away  
And'll fade away _

_  
Just close your eyes and I'll take you there  
This place is warm and without a care  
We'll take a swim in the deep blue sea  
I go to leave but you reach for me_

_  
So far, so long, so far away  
So far, so long, so far away (away, away)_

_  
Someday, when my life has passed me by  
I'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me_

_  
One way, in the eyes of a passerby  
I'll look around for another try  
And'll fade away, And'll fade away, And'll fade away, And'll fade away, And'll fade away_

_And'll fade away, (someday), And'll fade away_

"Buffy. Hi. It's been awhile. I've got loads of stuff to tell you. About my past and our past. Speaking about our past, on the way over here I heard a song... 'Someday', I think it was called. In your senior year of high school, I remember you used to sing it all the time. No, more like mumble the tune and words under your breath. You always said that would be how our relationship would be like in the end. You said you'd long be gone from old age and I'd be around still – vampire and eternity. A lot's changed since then... but you weren't wrong.

I'll explain that later but right now I bet you're wondering what exactly happened. It was just down to Gunn, Illyria (you don't know them), Spike, and I. And, of course, the millions and millions of demon hordes charge toward us with the one intention: to kill us all. This is all stuff you've experienced before though, after all, you're the slayer...

God, I'm getting off topic. It's just you have no idea how I feel right now. Everything I've ever... anything that ever meant anything to me has been taken from me. I've had three families during my existence. My real family: and look how that turned out; I killed each member of it. But before that, we were even screwed up. I never could get along with my father and I always feared that's how it would be with my own son. Again, I wasn't wrong. But I'll tell you that story later. My second family: the vampire one (Darla, Dru, and Spike): that, once more, didn't out too well. Darla's dead, Dru's God-knows where killing God-knows how many people, and Spike, being the only one that survived the battle, only stares at me with lost, pathetic, eyes. He says my brooding has rubbed off on him; it's the closest resemblance to a joke I've heard from him in a long time. I can't blame him; it's hard to be all chipper after what's happened.

My third family, the last one, the one that mattered... it's gone. Completely diminished, shattered and vanished, no damn chance of ever getting it back. No other set of people ever mattered to me more than they did. Cordelia, Wesley, Gunn, Fred, Lorne – we were a _family_. We were. We held on to each other and fought evil and all that crap that's not important to me anymore.

But things fall apart, right? Wes betrayed me by kidnapping Connor, Cordy became possessed by a demon, Fred, too, was infected by a demon, and Gunn and Lorne both left me in the end.

Cordy was the first one I lost. God, Buffy, you would have been astonished if you ever met the new Cordy. She transformed into such a compassionate person, a saint even. She became one of my best friends. She was my confidant.

Fred came next. Consumed by the demon, Illyria. She died in Wes' arms. Her body came back. No, not like that, not like you. Different, colder... bluer. She returned to us as the demon. Having lost her army, she hung around Wesley a lot. And I think, seeing look-alike-Fred everyday is what finally led him to his death. Yeah, Wesley Wyndham-Price came a long way from Sunnydale. He was no longer the prissy watcher; he evolved. Like Cordelia did. I know you don't believe a word of what I'm sayin', but what does it matter. Wes died trying to take down an old wizard of the Black Thorn – a mission _I_ sent him on.

Lorne completed the final task, a very arduous one, and left us without meeting up at the alley. It's okay. I understood. I pushed him too hard. My fault again. And Gunn, loyal Gunn, arrived at the alley, limping from a gut wound he suffered taking down vamps. He fought as bravely as anyone could, lasted as long as anyone could, but eventually was lost to the wound, dying in the pouring rain. It's a shame – I never even found his body. And Illyria, the, uh, Fred-look-alike, helped us in the battle, in honor of Wes. I think she sort of loved him.

And Connor. You don't know about him. You will now, in the Cliff-notes version. Connor was my son, Buffy. Darla was his mother. He was a miracle, in every sense of the word. Wes secretly took him from me 'cause he read a prophecy that I would kill my own son. Connor was then taken by my former enemy, Holtz, who took him into another dimension. I looked and looked for him, but you'd be surprised how many dimensions there are.

In a few weeks, Connor returned to me... as a teenager with the one goal of murdering me. You see, because that's what Holtz taught him. After falling for Cordy and losing her to a coma, Connor just fell apart. He couldn't take the grief anymore and neither could I. I made a pact with the devil, what you know as Wolfram & Hart, and gave my son new memories, ones that never involved his real father – me. But I knew it was for the best, for his sake. I loved him, but it didn't matter to him. And so this new life was the only thing I could offer him. I gave him up. I've sacrificed a lot of people I loved, albeit, for their own good but...

But now that I've told you about Connor, there's more things to reveal. After the battle, there were three survivors – Illyria, Spike, and I. Three survivors... but with none of us alive. Everyone was dead inside. It was a helluva battle, Buffy. And something came out of it. Something I wished I had for a long time, but don't seem to care for it anymore. Shanshu. A prophecy said that the vampire with a soul would ward off a major apocalypse and would regain his humanity. I had signed it away though, as an attempt to make the Black Thorn believe I was on their side. I guess it was some sort of test the Powers put me up to. Guess they wanted to see if I really cared about the world, or more about myself. I don't know. The Powers work in demented ways.

To be honest, Buffy, this isn't the first time I've become human after being a vampire for years. Remember that time during Thanksgiving that you came to visit me? I turned human, then. It was the most wonderful experience of my life. We spent the day together in bed, eating ice cream (off a spoon and off each other) and it was just ... perfect. You were so happy. The happiest I've ever seen you. It was like the 'Someday' song says: _Just close your eyes and I'll take you there. This place is warm and without a care. We'll take a swim in the deep blue sea. I go to leave but you reach for me._ I felt warmth for the first time in a long while – the sun's warmth, your warmth.

I had to step away from it. As a human, I could never protect you or myself, and you, eventually, would only wind up getting yourself killed to do it for me. I was able to set back the day. The only one who remembers any such thing ever happening was me. See what I meant about sacrificing the people I love? You were one of them. I've always wanted to tell you, but I never had the guts, Buffy. I'm sorry.

But I'm human now, right? We'll finally have the chance to get together, that is, if you're cookies yet and if I still hold a place in your heart. Except things never turn out the way you want them to. I, sadly, can recall every detail after that phone call. It was Willow. And, I love her, sweet girl, God bless her, but I had already known she is the bearer of bad news because she–she- **_Oh! Who am I kidding? God doesn't bless anyone! He sure as hell didn't bless you! You fuckin' up and died, after all! ... ... ... ..._**

Oh God, I'm so sorry, I'm so... that was harsh. But you are, dead, that is. This time for good. What do they say... third time's a charm, right? I know I shouldn't be making crude jokes, but - I remember _exactly_ what happened after that phone call. Spike was the only other person around – Illyria left after the battle, having felt she had no place here – and I, trying my best to with-hold the crack in my voice, told him the news. He looked... sympathetic. He whispered an 'I'm sorry' into the air, but I'm not entirely sure it was directed at me. Head hung low, he folded his arms across his chest and moves toward the door. Before heading out, he grabbed his coat.

I didn't hear from him again for awhile. Then, when I arrived here, I saw him rocking a distraught Dawn. The scent of every bar in town and the tobacco of a hundred cigarettes rolled off him so much that even I, as a human, could detect it. Your sister didn't seem to mind it, though.

Willow told me it was a disease that got you at such as young age. Cancer. You found out shortly after last year. It's beyond me how such a slayer could get cancer, I mean, you're strong and you're so physically in shape... but that has nothing to do with it... I forget sometimes. It's all in the blood. Always has something to do with blood. I'm so sick of it.

It makes sense... that's why you were dating the Immortal, and not a committed man. You weren't looking for a long-lasting relationship because _you_ didn't have long to last. You weren't looking for a guy to fall in love with. Because you knew that it'd end in heartache for that person. You were just looking for a month in your life where you could be that regular girl you always wanted to be. The girl whose only worry would be what outfit to wear for the night, never the girl who had to worry about saving the world. You know what the really messed up part is? We could have had that. You and I. Right now, instead of this conversation, we could've been eating Cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip ice cream off each other. God, I hate time.

I lost you again, Buffy. Willow said that you didn't want me knowing about your condition because you were afraid I'd come here and never leave your bedside. However, you thought, I _would_ leave the world to fall at the merciless hands of evil. I'd forget all about the apocalypse. And you know what? You'd be right. I would. In a heartbeat. To hell with the rest of the world, Buffy. I've already lost most of the people I gave a damn about. The Powers That Be are looking down at me right now and giving a spiteful, cruel, smile. If you were here, you'd say: 'It's about your redemption and helping those in need.' And I'd say, with bitterness in my _mortal_ heart, 'Fuck those in need. What about my needs, and yours, everyone who's fought by our sides and gotten nothing but misery and death in return. Fuck those in need. They're not worth it.'

Buffy, oh Buffy. I understand what you did by not letting me know. I just wish I had gotten the chance to tell you one last time how much I loved you. Face to face... face to grave isn't helping much. Hell, I'll say it anyway. I love you. I _have_ never stopped loving you. I _will_ never stop loving you. And I know wonderful people like Willow will say I'll have to move on and be strong. I know even _Spike_ will see the logic in moving on. But love isn't logical. You've said it yourself: 'Love makes you do the wacky.' _Some say, better things will come our way. No matter what they try to say you were always there for me_. Isn't that a line of the song, Buffy? Isn't another one:_ Someday, when my life has passed me by, I'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me_. You were always there for me. You were salvation. My new humanity – the only reason I have it is because you taught me to be a good person and do what's right.

Just to let you know, Buffy, when the sun is shining down on me, I'll think of you and of that one day of happiness that we had but didn't. And I'll remind myself how I'll meet you later. Decades from now, maybe sooner, but I'll meet you. We all just fade away in good time, anyway. I know you're in Heaven, the Lord's lucky to have someone like you to keep him company. I hope you and your mother are having a good time together. Say hi to her for me.

  
_Someway, when the sun begins to shine  
I hear a song from another time  
And'll fade away  
And'll fade away _

One last thing though, Buffy. I remembered another song you loved a lot. I think it was around the same time as the 'Someday' one. The reason I wrote the last lyrics on this paper was because they sort mean... well, I think I want to say... that I'll always be waiting for you – searching for the day I get to see you again – I'll be seeking some other someday..."

He removes an incredibly small piece of paper from his jacket pocket. He stares at _his_ Claddagh ring, a larger version than one he gave Buffy. He once explained to her that "'The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty... and the heart... well, you know... wear it with the heart pointing towards you. It means you belong to somebody.'" All this time, through all those years, he's always worn his the way he described it. He slides it off his finger and rolls the piece of paper so it will fit inside the ring. Setting this on the dirt, close to her headstone, he places a bouquet of roses with the end of the stems holding down the ring and paper. Inside the paper read the exact things Angel was going to do:

_Hoping for someday_

_Waiting for someday_

_Believing in someday_

_Praying for someday_

_I'll be longing for someday_

_Clinging to someday_

_Cherishing someday_

_I'll be thinking of someday_

_Dreaming of someday_

_Wishing for someday_

_I'll be living for someday_

_Counting on someday_

_Knowing that one day..._

_I will see you..._

After all, he promised he'd be seeking some other someday...

* * *

Funeral Blues - By: Wystan Hugh Auden 

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,  
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,  
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum  
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead  
Scribbling on the sky the message "She is Dead,"  
Put crepe bows around the white necks of the public doves,  
Let the traffic policeman wear black cotton gloves.  
  
She was my south, my north, my east, my west,  
My working week and my Sunday rest.  
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;  
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.  
  
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one;  
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;  
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.  
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


End file.
